Happy "To Write Love On Her Arms" Day.

This is just a rant. Today is supposed to be a happy day in support for TWLOHA, which is a non-profit organization to support those who are victims of self mutilation and suicide due to depression and other similar conditions.

And yet today, I feel the worse I've felt in a long time. And I was looking forward to this day for such a long time. And now I feel even shittier for not having the motivation and strength to show my support. Support for myself. Strength to hold my head high and be proud of who I am. But I'm just the opposite. Today was supposed to be my day, and then I'm shot down.

And I don't understand why I let people get to me, but when you have those feelings for someone, you can't just give up on them, no matter how bad they treat you. And to be ignored by someone you care about, it hurts. And even to just to know how their day was, and they don't even have the decency to respond back.
I just want to talk to you, that's it. Why can't you understand? Why must you make me feel like shit constantly. I don't see what I did to deserve this. You told you hated what Jesse did to me, and then you turn back and do the exact same thing as he did. I don't understand it.

I should be over that. Why do I cling to a wish that will never come true?

And it's no wonder I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality. I hate my emotions, I hate my actions. I hate how I talk, and draw, and drive, and walk. And to pick myself apart like this, makes me wish I never existed. And it's no wonder I'm never good enough for anyone. I'm never given a chance. And it doesn't help when I drag negativity behind me. But how am I supposed to be so optimistic when nothing ever goes right?

No wonder people have better luck than me. Because I expect the worse. I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore. And that's a sad, shameful thing to say. My sky is constantly an overcast, I haven't seen the sun shine in years.

I'm sorry for those who read this, if any of you even bother. I feel like an idiot now. I'll probably just end up deleting this out of my feelings of idiocy. But I just.. I don't want to cry anymore.

I just want to look forward to each day, instead of dreading each tomorrow.